Variant issue 6    back to issue list

Tales of the Great Unwashed
Ian Brotherhood 

This is me just getting in. Honest to God, this has been me since yesterday, that's, what, oh my good god, twenty-eight hours? No, no way, aye, that's right enough, can you believe that? Honest to God, I'm pure like that so I am. What? Eh, I shouldn't really, ach I might as well then, aye, well, make it a double, and give us a can of that bulls balls or whatever it is, what? Aye, red balls then, that's it, ach, red balls, big balls, bulls balls, bulls eyes, who cares, you know what I mean anyway, so one of them and two of the other and that'll be fine. Honest to god, I'm pure like that so I am--Cheers doll.
Jesus that's good.
Aye, so that was us last night, that bowling club, right, mind? So it was the usual right, I calls Eddie for the cars and we get dropped off about nine or something, just round the corner by the shops, you know where I am, there's that late co-op right, so out we get and there's all the girls, about ten of us or something, Julie, Shell, Wee Mags, Assumpta, Kelly, Diane, the two Kylies, most of the girls turned up, only Queenie couldn't make it with her man being in with his legs, aye, they're away on him again, so we're already charged up a wee bit you know, just a couple down at mine before we left but we were alright, and we get out and start giving it laldy going along that big hedge outside the club right, and it was a laugh so it was, and we finished off what we had and planked the bottles in the hedge cos you know what it's like now with having bev in the streets and that, but we ditched them and starts up the path into the club right, and this wee thing comes out of the club right, I mean, he was no bigger than my Tam right, honest to god he was up to there right, and he's a sort of janny or security guy right, he's got this wee uniform on right, and he starts giving it these are private premises and all that shite and I was pure like that right away I was just going to give him one but Wee Mags gets him first right, and honest to god it was a pure laugh so it was cos she just pure grabbed his tie and yanked it like that and you could hear him panicking and she's like that, if you don't get out of my face I'm going to tear the nuts off you right, and he's pure like that, honest to god, so she lets him go and he pure runs inside. So we get nearer and you know how it's like off the road a wee bit so when you get away from the street it's a bit weird cos it gets sort of dark like maybe you're in the country or something, and you can see the big lounge bit where the band's on and they're playing crystal chandeliers I think it was, and Wee Mags starts joining in and the two Kylies were going pure mental so they were, and we all got back on the pots and that and it was a pure racket man, honest, and then you can see them sort of coming up to the window and that but by this time it's too late for them to stop us so we're in the door and there's not even anyone at the reception bit, like the wee janny guy, I suppose that's his patch but he was just pure vanished you know, offsky, so in we go and you should see their faces I mean, honest to god they're all pure like that. So Shell's got the potty right, and she's doing the bride bit, all shy and all that eh, I mean, come on, Shelly shy eh? I know, I was gutting myself. But we start getting into it right, and the band just pure grinds to a halt you know, they're just started doing that one, that sultans of swing right, and it must've been with us banging on the pans and that put them off cos they pure lost the rhythm and this guy that's singing gets really mad with the guitarist and starts giving him pelters so that makes us shout and bang more you know, so the whole place is a pure uproar and I dumps the potty on the deck in the middle of the dance floor, like it's not that big a floor but it's pure cleared you know, and we're all giving it yooha about the potty and Shell's sitting there and she drags out a sneaky wee quarter bottle from her dress and starts getting into that. Honest to god, I was like that so I was.
Aye, might as well doll. No, I've still got some left here. Another double then. You know how to charm a lady so you do by the way.
So you can see these old things all giving it oh dear what a palaver and all that, and pure panic stations so it is, and this one comes over, I'll tell you who she is, you know him that was done for the expenses thing at the council, aye him, the furniture and all that, well this is his missus right and she's a right bruiser by the way, looks like Jocky Wilson, remember him? My cousin almost got off with him once. Anyway, she comes over and she's pure like that so she is, all veins and all that pure red, and she's like do you mind, this is a private club, and she's giving it pure eyeball right, growling at me, and I don't take that right, I just do not take that, so I was like that, boosh, just like that, pure cracker and down she goes and somebody shouts out and they all come ahead and it was a pure barney honest to god, all these things with frocks on and those shitey dummy pearl necklaces and all that and it was about two minutes we're all rolling about and what a tanking we gave them right, so eventually they sort of group and back off a bit so we've still got the floor. Thing is right, we've still not got a penny, so I'm like that, where's the men? and the girls start giving it like this mad war chant or something, where's your men? where's your men? and we head off for the bogs cos you know that's where they'll be right, so we find the bogs and it's like honest to god the door was pure shut tight but it's not like one with a lock on it it's them inside trying to keep us out so we're like that, all against it giving it pure heave and the door opens a wee bit and you can hear them shouting at each other and all that but eventually they give in and the door flies open and we all dive in and honest to god there's like about twenty five guys crammed into this wee bog all giving it pure climbing over each other and all that trying to get away so we piles in and I was like that, right lads, who's first for a kiss for the bride and they all go like pure mad, all trying to get through this wee window up on the wall, so I starts flinging them back out and the girls get them in the corridor and Shell's got the potty and we started getting through them good style, and it was all paper going in there, a good few tenners and loads of fivers, no shrapnel at all right, they were glad to get away so they were, and you could hear the sirens coming so we speeded up and Wee Mags helped me get out the one that was stuck in the window and we gets back into the hall. So there's all the wifes up at the bar giving it a big conference about what's going on and trying to make ice packs and all that and the big one that I clocked, she's sitting with her head between her knees right, or as close to her knees as she can get it right, and the men's all kind of milling about and straightening their ties and all that. So we're just about to get out right, and Assumpta's like that, Jawwwwwn and we're all like that, who's John by the way? and you can see this guy pure dying off, old guy right, and his wife's looking at Assumpta and looking at him and he's trying to get behind the bar right, maybe wanting to nick through the back somewhere or down the cellar, and Assumpta's pure like, oh my god I don't believe it and all that and she's pure smiling and she heads over, she's pure pished by the way, and the guy's just pure white as a sheet right, and we all head over cos he wasn't one of the ones that was in the bog and I stick the potty in front of him and he's like that, boosh, two twenties right in there and he's nearly greeting and he's like that, please leave, please leave now, and I'm just pure ending myself honest to god it was brilliant right, and his missus goes to have a smack at Assumpta but she's game for her anyway, and that's when the cops come in.
Sorry son, it just came back on me a wee bit there. It's alright, I'll get it. It's getting mopped anyway. No thanks. A cup of tea and I'll be brand new.
So the cops right, well that was a pure laugh right cos it's the usual right, they're about twenty if they're a day, a guy and a lassie, and the guy's like that about a disturbance, an anonymous tip-off and all that, so I'm like that, this is Shelly and all that, giving it big licks about the wedding and how it's her second time around and she's really looking forward to it and all that and Big Kylie's already spotted the lassie cop right, like she knows one of her sisters from school and all that so they're started chatting but then it turns out that your man in charge is this guy John, he's like the president or something, so he's like that, yes yes yes, these ladies are guests and there's no problem, he's on about a bit of high spirits and all that, and you can see his missus is pure ready to go off you know, but he's got her arm and he's like that, so the cops are like that, are any of you girls members of this club and all that, and we're giving it what do you mean and butter wouldn't melt you know, so good old John's like, well, the girls will be signing the guest register officer, so everything will be in order, no problem, and then the one I belted right, she appears and starts mouthing and the cops are like oh-ho, here's someone with a burst lip but her man moves in smartish and god only knows what he whispers to her but she shuts it and that's us, no bother. Cops go into the back for a cup of tea and a wee sarnie, we stay for a drink on the house and end up having a great night. Almost two hundred in the pot, memberships all round, and I end up getting off with the wee janny guy. He's alright actually, looks a wee bit like Neil Diamond.
Anyway, I'll put that kettle on. It's not too bad in here this morning. Quiet night was it?